It happened on a Sunday. I came home from church and my brother (who is 87 years old and dying from lung cancer) told me he had to go to the E.R. for an enema. I said, "Nobody goes to the hospital for that."
Fortunately, my friend Donna, who works with the fire hall and has good training, said she would go buy some fleets.
While we waited for her, I set the table and got the food ready for our guests. Donna was true to her word and returned with the fleets. We sat down and Roddy was in the bathroom. After a few minutes we heard a crash and Roddy had fallen on the floor and hit his head. Fortunately, he broke no bones or bled.
Later that day I started to laugh. I told my brother I was just thinking about a scenario that could have happened. Let's say Roddy died from the fall. When he got to heaven, one of the men at the gate asked, "What happened to you?"
"Well, it was like this, I was giving myself an enema and I fell on my head and here I am."
I can just see the eyebrows going up on the man's face. Then I could hear my brother (who always wants to be the hero) saying, "I was in the Merchant Marines, but it took two fleets to bring me to heaven."
We laughed so hard and we thought we'd like to share this experience with others. We both love to make people laugh, even at our expense.
I must tell you another story about this brother. When he was young, he was a boxer before the cancer got to him. He used to do 35 to 40 push-ups a day. Now I have a three apartment house. We live in one, a businessman in another and supposedly four students upstairs. It's always worked out fine except for this year. We have four boys and all their friends who never stop moving and make noise all hours of the night. We can't sleep.
The other night I was sleeping on the porch so I didn't hear the noise, but my brother was annoyed. He went upstairs on his wobbly legs and his loose PJs that were half falling down and offered to take one of the boys up to heaven with him. He had no weapons. It was a comedy. Would you believe one of the boys reported him to the police? I would have loved to see the case come to court. One of the boys is a Marine. I could just see all the sympathy they would get.
Roddy's Hospice nurse just howled when she heard the story. She said, "Roddy, if you go to court, call me and I'll bring you some crutches."
Now you can understand why I say, "My life is like a soap opera without the sex."
Margaret Valone is a Fredonia resident. Send comments on this column to firstname.lastname@example.org