Here's a question for you. Who is considered to be one of the smartest people to have ever lived?
I'll bet many of you would say Albert Einstein. Well, I'll let you in on a little secret. He wasn't any Einstein when it came to the ladies. His discovery about the speed of light may have resulted from ducking a lamp that his wife flung towards his numbskull.
This is why I make the claim of Einstein being a dufus. He actually had a list of rules that his wife was commanded to follow. If you listen carefully, you can hear the laughter of all the married men out there in OBSERVER Land who just read that statement.
His 11-year marriage to his wife Mileva was on the rocks. One of the reasons for that is he may have been working on more than equations with Peppermint, his able laboratory assistant. Whatever was the cause of their marital strife, the Einsteins decided it would be better for the kids if they stayed together. But in doing so, Albert insisted that his wife must submit to his list of demands. That's when the first lamp flew past his bushy-haired head.
My vast staff of researchers discovered this list after a thorough search of Mileva Einstein's archives. Alright, that's obviously baloney but it sounds more impressive than how I actually found it; clicking on the web.
First on Albert's real list of demands was that Mileva would make certain that his clothes and laundry were in order. Now if Mileva were a modern day woman, her first response would involve actions and demands of her own persuasion like littering the front yard with the Einstein's wardrobe in no particular order at all.
Number two on the list was his demand of three meals a day delivered to him in his room. (No problem Albert. Here's the number for Lorenzo's Italian Emporium. You can have a pizza delivered to your room anytime you like.)
Einstein's third demand was that he not be required to sit at home with her. (Are you kidding me? If he dared to sit anywhere next to Mileva, he'd walk with a limp.)
Next on the list, Mileva was not to expect any intimacy with him. (Oh yeah, fat chance Einstein. Coming anywhere near her and Mileva would've demonstrated the real meaning of the speed of light with a folded fist.)
Einstein directed her not to belittle him in front of the children. (Don't worry, Albert, every time you play soccer with the kids, you do a superior job of belittling yourself.)
My vast research team also discovered that Mileva Einstein was no shrinking violet. She had a list of her own demands that we hope went like this.
1. First of all, Dumpkoff, that equation that you have on the desk E=mc3 should be E=mc2
2. Get a haircut. You always look as though you've been hit with the leading edge of a lightning bolt. People are talking about you. Clean up your act.
3. OK mister smart guy. You can invent all these grand ideas about gravity and the basic laws of the universe, so how about making use of gravity and PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH IT?
4. If you can come up with the photon theory of light, how about PICKING UP YOUR SOCKS, THEY'RE LIGHT. Ha, ha do you get it, light?
5. You've been working for years on your so called unified field theory. So, do you know that FIELD down at the corner of our street? How about taking the dog out into THE FIELD occasionally where dog poo is better left out in a FIELD rather than on the kitchen floor. How's that for a FIELD theory, Mr. Genius?
Leaving the Einsteins and their somewhat make believe wars, my research staff discovered that Einstein wasn't the only significant man in history to give his wife a list of demands. Likewise, Mileva wasn't the only wife to return the favor.
Here's a list that I discovered was written to Adam from Eve.
1. How about doing something with that serpent that's been hanging around the Garden. He kind of creeps me out with that sweet talk and that flicking tongue. He's up to no good if you ask me. He keeps talking to me about, "Did God really say this? Did God really say that?" If you don't get him out of here, he's going to lead to trouble.
2. I know that God wanted you to name the animals but good grief, did you really try? What's with that creature with the hump on its back that you named a cat?Anybody who has half a brain, and any sense of animals names, knows that you're looking at a camel.
And that huge thing with a long snout coming out of it's head you call an ant is obviously an elephant.
You know that tree in the center of the Garden? I'll tell you what, there's some great looking fruit there just crying out to be eaten. Are you sure that's the tree with the forbidden fruit? And what if it is, what could possibly happen?
Another list of historic significance was left to us by the wife of Noah of the Ark fame. We don't know her name but she was a tough lady.
1. I know that you are righteous and blameless among your people but stop leaving the dirty dishes in the sink.
2. How about putting off work on the ark for a bit and get to work on that closet door that I asked you to fix about 114 years ago.
3. I've gone to the store looking for pitch for the last time. I don't like the looks and responses that I get from the clerks when I ask for pitch and they say, "what's pitch?" You want pitch for your ark, you go get it yourself.
4. If I'm going on a cruise, I'm going to need several new outfits. And you better have a good ventilation system with seven pairs of animals from who knows where. By the way, do they have all their shots?
5. How about building your ark behind the garage. The neighbors are walking by pointing and laughing. Every time I play mahjong I get these curious looks from my friends.
Finally my research staff found two items from former First Ladies. One is from Martha Washington to her beloved George, our nation's first President.
1. Let me make this perfectly clear, George. If I discover that your founding name of Father of His Country is literal and not metaphoric, and there are ladies cooperating with the enhancement of that title, you better save your wood because you will need a new set of dentures.
Hillary Clinton also had a brief list of demands.
1. What Martha Washington said goes for me.
Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. His column appears monthly in the Sunday OBSERVER.