As they used to say in the days of the political circus, "Ladies and gentlemen, and children of all ages, the perfect storm is about to begin."
There's a perfect storm coming of government supremacy and friendly drones. Congressman Mike McCaul of Texas has warned America that by 2015, drones will dominate the sky. But if you're a lover of Washington elitists directing your life and snooping, you can disregard his warning because you're going to love it. America could be on the verge of a bureaucratic utopia.
In fact, forget the government drones for a minute because I'm considering the purchase of a drone for my own purposes. For example, how many times do you get irritated by your neighbor cutting his lawn at the most inappropriate time. Now you can possibly do something about it without causing neighborly friction
Imagine this. You are sipping your breakfast coffee. The latest Tivo'ed version of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" is about to start and you're looking forward to view Bruce Jenner's latest transition to achieving the complete Venus DiMilo look. Now comes that annoying buzz of the lawn mower from next door. Here's what you do. You go to the garage and fire up your very own Predator drone named Elijah. Program it to about 15,000 feet; punch in the coordinates of your neighbors front yard and launch it. In a few minutes Elijah senses the lawn mower exhaust and its super digitized brain says it's time to remedy the situation. Electrons go into action and by the time you've warmed up your coffee again, BOOM!!!, the neighbor's 21-inch cut Taurus was just vaporized from beneath his hands.
He'll never know who did it because we now know from the wisdom of President Obama, that nobody ever does anything on their own. That's right. It takes a collective act of society to go jihad on a lawn mower. Now you can enjoy the wisdom of Kim, Kendall, Kylie, Kourtney and whatever Bruce is evolving toward.
Then there are those moments when you absolutely must have that midnight snack. You're in your PJs and you'd like a large dish of Chocolate Fudge Brownie Black Forest Caramel Goop ice cream. But since you've been declared a tub of lard by government standards, you're only allowed the approved pine bark and kale sandwich. You don't want to go to the store so you send the drone on the Obama/ Barney Franks Country Deli sandwich run. Oh yeah and don't forget to add a pint of the Michelle Seaweed/Soy/Ameba Protein Phantasia ice cream which is also approved for tubs like you.
The preceding scenario is about to come into reality due to the Affordable Healthcare Act, also known as Obamacare. It has been declared constitutional by the Supreme Court. The federal government is about to grab onto your lifestyle by the crotch. All Americans with a few bucks in their pockets will soon be required to buy health insurance.
Those individuals who do not purchase health insurance will pay a penalty to the all-knowing, all-seeing, super-elite intellectual feds who know what is good for us better than we do. And they have drones to check on your obedience.
Go outside right now and wave. Did you see the drone? Of course not. It's either flying too high or too silent to notice. Or it could be in the form of an insect or a bird perched in a tree. It doesn't matter. Just smile and say, "Hi, Ms. Janet Napolitano. I'm being good."
With this declaration of constitutionality, we can now be forced to pay a penalty/tax for not buying something that Congress votes into law. If Senator John Bummer convinces Congress that all Americans should have a hint of orange in their skin tone, than you better get a tan.
"My fellow Americans, tonight I come before you as your humble servant with a 365/12. 24/7 suntan. We here in the Congress believe that suntans are beneficial to the welfare of America. Congress believes it's imperative for all Americans to at least look good for we all know that we can't be good. Therefore we have mandated that every American must have a suntan or pay a penalty based on the Affordable SunTan Act. We'll be watching you so get out there and glow."
A superior intellect like Congresswoman Anaconda Nice from California knows how you should live your life better than you do. If she, and the other Dumbocrats and Reflubicans decide that America would be a better place if we all just smiled more; you know, like she does, they can make it a law. That's the wisdom behind The Affordable Smile Act.
"My fellow Americans, I'm Congresswoman Nice and right now even though I'm smiling, I'm in terrible pain. I'm sitting on a hemorrhoid that's the size of a bus - with the doors open. Despite this discomfort that I am now experiencing, I'm smiling. I believe that it's important for Americans to smile more, because it makes America a better place to live. So begin smiling America because our drones will be watching you."
The late Rodney King once said, "Can we all just get along?" America would surely be a better place if we just said "I love you" to someone today.
Here's Sen. Barry Glum from Nevada to describe for us his vision of America. "My fellow Americans, we have been angry with each other here in Washington for far too long. I'm here with my fellow Senator Mike Mac Donald to set a proper example to all who are watching. In front of millions of Americans I want to say to him I love you, Mike. Now see that wasn't that hard. And my friend Mike has something to say to me."
"Hello America I just wanted to say to my friend Barry that I love him and God bless America."
"There now, see how much better America is? That's why we in Congress just passed the Affordable Love Act which will penalize you if you don't express your love to each other. There will be thousands of drones over America monitoring the love quotient in our nation. It's up to you to avoid that 'love penalty' so get out there and spread the love. We'll be watching."
Renegade shopping carts are a growing menace to many Americans. Soon, that will be addressed by the National Secretary of Parking Lots Director Snooki Polizzi. "Good evening, my fellow guidos and guidettes. I'm here to remind you that the penalty for not returning your shopping carts to the corral could lead to a pretty serious financial penalty, or even death which is even worse. For the first offense you'll be fined by my guys who work for me, if you know what I mean.
"A second offense will result in a Sidewinder missile crawling up your tailpipe as you try to escape the long tattooed arm of the law. That will be the last shopping cart you ever leave stranded, get it? Our motto here at the Department of Parking Lots is 'return or burn.' So behave because we'll be watching. Oh, by the way, God Bless America."
Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. Send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org