We now know that the National Security Agency has access to our telephone records and internet data, perhaps even my golf journal where I keep all of my swing secrets. If they reveal that, I'm done. I wish they would trace all those annoying 800 number calls that we get to their source and put a drone-directed missile up their coaxial cable.
Right now, I just stuck out my tongue to some government creep who is probably watching me on my computer camera. I just added a "nah nah na nah nah" and added a hand gesture before I covered it with some electrical tape. Take that you peeping NSA guy.
We all know that our federal nanny state has vast data centers with tremendous useless information. In my file, I hope they enjoy the 10,546 YouTube videos of cute and cuddly kitties.
Fortunately, for you my beloved readers, those creepy guys at NSA have agreed to share with me and now you, all kinds of interesting emails that have littered the internet. Here are some of the most recent found in my file.
The first one is an email I received from the besieged Syrian President Bashar Assad.
"Hey Nin - it's Bashar - what do I do with this charge of using chemical weapons? We've been having a terrible time with ants in the Presidential Palace this year. Their presence in the torture chambers are making conditions miserable this year. My wife has been on my case to do something about it, so being a man's man, I sprayed around the palace and now I'm charged with chemical warfare. This is bogus. Now I'm going to have a cruise missile coming through the bedroom window and the wife is really going to get on me. What do I do?"
Here's one from Russian President Vladimir Putin regarding the charges that he stole the Super Bowl ring from New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft.
"Hey Nin - it's your old buddy Vlad. What's with this dufus numb nut Kraft and his Super Bowl ring? I'm President of Russia. If I want a ring I can have 20 Super Bowl rings made in the time it takes me to steal a ring. In fact I could have Super Duper Bowl rings that make his look like they came out of Cracker Jack box.
"I don't have to steal from a girly man like Bobby Kraft. I could break him in half and make him wish he never met me. Has he seen pictures of me with my shirt off riding a horse? Check out those pecs Bobby Kraft. With one pectoral tied behind my back, I could leap off my horse and tear his finger of his hand with a ring on it. I could use both off my magnificent pectorals and rip his arm off and wave bye bye to Mr. Girly Man.
"That capitalist pig owner of the football team can either shut up or I can have a nuke delivered to his living room with a stupid Super Bowl ring attached to it. He's making me and my girlfriend angry. That makes my pectorals twitch. That's not good."
Here's one from Kim Jong Un the leader of North Korea.
"Hey Nin - what's with this new Axis of Evil that was just announced? The list now includes Iran, Russia, and Syria? A few weeks ago I threatened a nuclear war, to bomb Austin, Texas, Japan and South Korea and I get dismissed as a nut job and taken off the list. I wear this ridiculous haircut to make me look like I'm the long lost member of the Three Stooges. I hang out with Dennis Rodman who encourages me to get a tattoo and nose ring, and I get no respect. If threatening a nuclear war can't keep me on The Axis of Evil list, what does a maniac have to do?
"Kim Kardashian just gave birth to a baby girl who is already wearing a diaper for a 25-lb. kid. Unfortunately, for many of her fans, her daughter has been named North and along with her father's surname, she will be a little girl in school called North West. "North West, can you read for us the first sentence in the tabloid that tells us about your mother and her freak show family?"
Needless to say, Kim didn't take too kindly to the criticism over that name.
"Hey Nin - Do we have the right to name our daughter or not? This is America, the land of the home and brave of whack jobs. This is where anybody can be named Persimmon Dew Drop if they want. Sure, we could've named our baby South West but that is just so predictable and common.
"Maybe we'll give her a middle name of North. Would North North West be even more horrible? In fact, if we have many more kids, we'll cover the entire map if we want to. How about a little brother East West. How about Far West?
"Would naming her after an herb be better? How about Parsley or Oregano West. We could get into colors so you better shut up, America.
"The Taliban is about to regain an element of power in Afghanistan which could bring back severe restrictions on the behavior of women."
Here's an email from Mr.Taliban.
"Hey Nin - So what if our women will have to wear a burqa, it's for the good of our country. You guys in America think you're so superior. Tell me this, Mr. Know-it-All Americans how many women from Afghanistan have won the title of Miss Universe, huh? If your answer is Zero, you're correct. That's why we have burqas so we can eat our roasted goat. Do you catch my drift? So take your drones and you know where you can aim them.
Here's one that I recently obtained from the true and everlasting superhero of all time - Superman. Apparently he has a huge issue with at least one federal agency.
"To whom it may concern, you weasely bureaucrat, at the Environmental Protection Agency.
"I've been a faithful warrior for peace, justice, and the American way since 1938. I have done my duty from the goodness that dwells in my heart. In all those years, you have banned DDT, PCBs, steroids along with hundreds of other substances. But, for some unexplicable reason, you have never banned Krytonite. I have to constantly be on the lookout for its debilitating power because I get no help from you. One can go to the home of Lex Luther and find glittering orbs of pulsating kryptonite lying around like other homes have jelly beans. What's with that? You seem to care more about the preservation of the red-bellied slime mold than you do me, the Man of Steel.
The mayor of Gotham City bans big gulps of soda but, 'Hey Folks, you want to take a shot at Superman with your stash of kryptonite, come on to the Big Apple - have a ball.' This is not the America I once knew.
Finally, Paula Deen wanted me to share these sentiments with you lovers of butter.
"Hi y'all. I just wanted to let y'all know that I am not a bigot with limited horizons. I pretty much hate everybody who isn't like me. Besides a poor choice of words, just once mind you, I have used the L-word also, because I don't like the people who can trace their ancestry back to Lichenstienborg, even though I have one on my staff.
"This Lichen fellow who works for me is so white, that the other day I told him to step away from the Wonder Bread so I could see him.
"Here's my favorite Lichenstienborg joke. Y'all are going to just love it. Why are there no ice cubes in Lichenstienborg? The answer is because they forgot the recipe. Now isn't that just a hoot? Bye, y'all."
Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. Send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org