The pop culture scene in this country has deteriorated to a point that has driven me to a state of revulsion. The timing of this condition is ironically tied to the coming holiday season. Putting the two together has directed this column to a state of utter sarcasm that I apologize for. But I just had to rip someone.
We are about to celebrate Thanksgiving again. A lot of turkeys are going to die so that we can feast to our hearts content. Many pigs will die to provide the makings of footballs to entertain us after we have filled our bellies. That's a tragedy that will have to be terminated in the future.
In America of 2013, those are practices that are very unkind to turkeys and pigs which should be absent. How can a civilized society such as ours tolerate a living being dying to give pleasure to another? The poor turkeys and pigs; America can do better. I'm sure those are a couple thoughts that are brewing somewhere in the bowels of the politically correct establishment.
Can we all agree that unless America wakes up, we are heading for a federally controlled society where even our traditional holidays will have to be altered to protect the easily insulted and injured.
First of all, the name holiday will need to be replaced. It sounds too close to holy day and too close to something doing with a god. We can't have god mentioned in the wrong way because that may offend someone who's offended by a belief in a god. If you're offended by someone's unbelief in god, that doesn't count. So shut up.
Perhaps Neuter Days would work instead of holidays where all suggestion of God is eliminated. Thanksgiving itself suggests giving thanks for our well-being to a god and we all know that it is the government that is responsible for our good things. Is there any doubt that those who are in high office know better than we poor slobs what's good for us?
For the lack of a better name, let's call Thanksgiving Day FedThanks. The name includes an appreciation of all the workings of The White House, Congress, Supreme Court and all federal agencies that make our pathetic lives bearable. So each family table for FedThanks should be adorned with bobblehead figures of the President, VP, the nine justices of the Supreme Court and, oh my gosh, John Boehner, Harry Reid, and the grinch Mitch McConnell. Unfortunately, that's enough to kill anybody's appetite.
That cornucopia thing that you see in pictures and seldom in person - that thing that looks like a basket-shaped horn with various fruits needs to be brought up to speed. We need some broccoli, asparagus, Brussel sprouts, genetically-modified corn, wheat, and a copy of the 2000-plus page copy of the Affordable Care Act which has never been read by anybody who voted for it. We could throw in a laptop, iPad, and a mobile phone to make it complete. And, oh yeah, a new flat screen.
Of course, the first Thanksgiving Day was originated by the Pilgrims and Puritans who obviously were backward, unenlightened, whack jobs that believed in a god. Their legacy needs to be eliminated and replaced by table bobbleheads of early feds like Washington, Franklin, Jefferson.
As was previously mentioned, a turkey shouldn't have to die so you and yours can enjoy FedThanks. With our modern science of genetic modification. we can be confident that a lump of humus/ tofu/ yogurt, and probably a pea pudding combination could be transitioned into something delectable and mouth-watering. Then we can free the turkeys.
Now that we've laid out our plans for the new FedThanks, let's move on to the big daddy of them all, Christmas.
Let's get real, the incarnation of Jesus is not all that important to very many Americans anymore. What's more important, a promise of eternal life or the immediate acquisition of a new iphone? We need a neuter day to honor the material girl, not the immaterial. And because we honored our political leaders on Fedthanks, I think we should celebrate the presence of celebrities in our life with our new neuter day of MerryIdol.
Entertainers and pseudo-entertainers are America's new gods that are truly worshiped. I use the word pseudo because how can anyone describe someone like Kim Kardashian as an entertainer? She has no talent and yet, millions of Americans watch her live her "reality-based life." So, I guess she's an entertainer of some degree. Go figure.
She just got an engagement ring the size of Vermont. Her fiance Kanye West (at least I believe he's still her fiance) rented the stadium where the San Francisco Giants play baseball. He had an orchestra playing something probably closer to music than what he produces. And on the stadium's jumbotron were the cool words PLEEEASE MARRY MEEE!!!!
Now that's the kind of stuff Americans worship, not this 2000-year-old babe in a manger act. That's just so not LOL. And do you know what's the tragic part of this whole story about Kim and Kanye? It's the fact that I'm sharing this worthless knowledge with you.
So come on folks. Get the kids, grandma and gramps, and gather around the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil to assemble the Negativity Scene for the living room. A facsimile of Giants Stadium containing a figurine of Kim with her hiney occupying much of center field; Kanye on bended knee; the flashing scoreboard; a few figures of the rest of the Kardashian clan including the latest rendition of step-daddy Bruce Jenner resembling something close to human. And you can dump the donkey and manger animals for a cool sleek limo.
If you're not a fan of that bleak assembly, there is now the worship of Miley Cyrus who has made the extreme talent of twerking such a sweet attraction. I guess sticking out one's tongue and butt is now considered a feature that is worth paying big bucks for in 2013. If she could only sing and dance as well as flop her tongue, she'd have it all. So she's an idol that could be added to the Negativity Scene of Schlok Stars along with Lady Gaga who also has a tongue. Also in that group completing the Yuck Trinity would be Madonna, the epitome of the Material Girl and the true Madonna of This Age. Oh, for the good ole days of Paris Hilton.
FedThanks and MerryIdol to all.
Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident whose column appears monthly. Send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org