When we talk about life traps and their origins, we focus primarily on features of the addicted person’s environment.

We already know a lot about dysfunctional family environments — neglect, abuse, alcoholism and other drug abuse that fosters life traps. As you may remember in an introductory article, the abandonment life trap is the feeling that people you love will leave you and you will remain isolated. You may feel people close to you will die, leave home forever or abandon you because they prefer someone else.

Because of this type of thinking, you may cling to people close to you too much, usually ending up pushing them away. Even normal situations can be very upsetting.

We also stated in that article that this life trap had issues with family or friends doing something negative to them and then feeling or being abandoned. I found out a long time ago as a counselor, that it makes no difference if I understand what’s haunting my clients, my job is to get them to understand how this or any other life trap is causing them great pain in relationships, self-worth, and them continuing to give power to something so irrational over time, that they may think they are the only people that ever felt this kind of pain, primarily mental.

In assessing whether abandonment is a hereditary problem, abandonment is an exception to the rule.

In therapy, heredity is vague, because as researchers, we know so little about the role of biology determining our long-term personality patterns. Instead, we focus on the environment and behaving as mentioned. The way we respond to separation from a person that takes care of us seems innate.

Separation from the mother is a vital issue in a newborn’s life. In the animal kingdom, infants are totally dependent on the mother and if the mother leaves or loses her, the animal usually dies. This story happened in my family and is still ongoing.

One night, around dusk, my wife Karen and I returned home from dinner. As I exited the car, I noticed something by the chimney, and I said to her, “What’s that?” She stated, “It’s a newborn kitten with the umbilical cord still in him!”

She picked him up and he fit in the palm of her hand. There were no other kittens or mother around. She brought him into the house, started making calls as to what we should do with something so tiny, because neither of us had ever been through something like this. The pet store was due to close in 15 minutes and they said they would stay open and give us what we needed to help him survive.

We went to the store and got an eye dropper, a special kind of milk, (regular milk would have killed him) and I watched my wife for five hours trying eye droppers of milk that would get him through the night. He survived and in the morning, we took him to the ASPCA, to be nursed by a mother cat, who was nursing 5 other cats and had one opening. Milo was there two months and we adopted him and brought him home three years ago.

We had had kittens before, but never anyone like him. He immediately took to both of us, but moreso Karen. It was almost like he knew that she had helped save his life.

On March 29 of this year, she passed away. I never thought I’d see the grief of an animal. In a collage we have, he would go over and stare at her picture. Every night, he would come upstairs and sleep with her.

He has gotten very close to me and every night still comes upstairs and sleeps on her side of the bed. Loud noises frighten him. Otherwise he’s a 3-year-old, very friendly to anyone that comes over and happy to be alive. Going through the grief of my wife has been eased somewhat by this little guy that God has sent me. If you are reading this and saying to yourself, “I think Mike is a couple fries short of a Happy Meal,”

I would say that in this society, we all need to find comfort for pain by thinking outside of the box. This story of abandonment only has a happy ending because of the love and caring of a woman who treated Milo like he was a member of the family, and by the way, he is. I will finish the abandonment life trap next month. Thanks for listening and I’m open to talking at 716 983-1592.

P.S. A special remembrance to Dr. Rich Milazzo, who was not only my doctor, but my very best friend. You personified the thought that God’s will is for people to help other people. Thank you.

Mike Tramuta is a Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy counselor.

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