Many clients with this life trap have a difficult time trusting counselors. It’s ironic that the very people they go to for help, become suspect.

When we look at where they come from, namely mental, physical, sexual abuse, coupled with feelings of pain, fear, rage and grief, make it difficult to trust anyone, especially the people that are supposed to be closest to them. This group of clients think people secretly mean them harm. Relationships are painful. When someone does something nice for them, their mind searches for an ulterior motive. They expect people to lie to them and try to take advantage of them.

The origins of mistrust and abuse mainly happen in unhealthy families. For example, someone in your family physically, mentally or sexually abused you as a child. Or someone in your family got pleasure from watching you suffer, or people called you names that really hurt.

Also, someone in your family warned you not to trust anyone outside of the family. Also, people in your family could not be trusted. They betrayed your confidence, exploited one’s weakness to their advantage, manipulated, and made promises they had no intention of keeping.

One of the irrational behaviors that happens in unhealthy families is one of the parents turn to the child being abused for physical affection in a way that was inappropriate and makes the child uncomfortable. Instead of protecting the child, a family member willfully started to hurt the child. When I would sit and listen to the men in my halfway house, I began to see where alcohol and other drugs played into their behavior.

As someone who had wonderful parents, I once told a client of mine, 6-foot-5, 390 pounds, an NFL football player that had that happened to me (sexual abuse as a child), that I probably would have turned to drugs also, to ease 100% of stress and pain. The problem with this behavior is it cost him an NFL career for the shame and guilt that he felt responsible for and trusting anyone, including me, had always been a problem. In terms of three kinds of abuse – physical, sexual, verbal – all involve the mixture of love and hurt.

In every instance of abuse I have encountered as a CD counselor for over 31 years, the abuser makes the child feel worthless, and blames the child for the inappropriate behavior, and the child accepts the blame into adulthood. When one does this job as long as I did, your heart goes out to those who believe they are worthless, promoting the ideas and behaviors that support this.

For me, as the counselor for many clients who never got sober and truly believed that abuse is what they deserved, I prayed to God for them, knowing what type of life they were facing.

So, what can people with this life trap do to change? First: the thinking about their life and worthlessness thinking needs to change. I would recommend a trauma therapist. I used a gal that was tremendous from Buffalo, and many of my clients swore by her. Second: find a friend you trust (if you can) or your counselor. Try guided imagery from REBT. If you have a trauma therapist, try to recall memories of abuse in detail, then ask your therapist about “the chair” when you are ready to confront your abuser. Third: stop feeling helpless, and blaming yourself. You did nothing wrong and did not deserve the abuse. Fourth: if you are in an abusive relationship, get out of it, and stop tolerating abuse from a sick person. Try to become involved with a person who respects your rights and boundaries and does not want to hurt you. Fifth: if you are still in contact with your abuser, consider shutting him or her down, while you work on this life trap. Sixth: stop drinking or drugging and playing “poor me.” Anything that is good to do is hard to do. You may have to get better inches at a time, but so what! You are headed toward recovery. A slogan I’ve used coaching basketball simply states ” be quick, but don’t hurry.” It is going to take time to heal. Set your thinking to this thought. Remember it takes nine months to make a baby.

If you need more guidance, call me at 716 983-1592.

Mike Tramuta, REBT Therapist