As we stated in February’s article, this life trap proves a challenge for counselors and coaches trying to help children and adults. This population has been wounded, even though they appear rational. I’ll give you an example.

People with defectiveness may be coping with it through escape or counterattacking. What this means is a person with defectiveness may be hyper critical of others or not be able to handle criticism without being defensive. These people devalue the people they love, or they over-emphasize status or success. They constantly try to impress people and constantly seek reassurance incessantly.

Many of the coaches I knew and coached against bordered on this life trap. Winning was over-emphasized to the point that losing was like death. Depending on the level you are coaching at, modified, junior high, jayvees, varsity high school, have different thinking modes for helping in player development. I learned you get more bees with honey, even though firmness and fairness always prevail. I knew a coach, and he was a good friend of mine, who drank to excess, ate to excess, was very closed in discussing abnormal feelings and placed so much emphasis on success as a way of compensating for his own feelings of worthlessness.

Proving you are of value, disproved to him that he was worthless.

Workaholic he was, know-it-all was his normal conversation. I coached basketball for many years on the JV and Varsity levels of high school and at the college level against many good teams loaded with talent. You learn as a coach that nobody, and I mean nobody, can win without a certain amount of talent.

But not everyone, however, can win with it. My job was always, on any level, to teach the fundamentals, motivate them to play like a team, and then put them out there to show how they compete. To coach as long as I did, meant there were upset wins and upset losses. Some teams were just plain better than us, but we wanted them to show us how good they were by battling together with what we had. Notice I say we, I never took the wins and gave the losses to the kids. They knew we were in this together. Achievement is good, but playing to the best of your ability is better.

In counseling, I often used the slogan that “I don’t get anyone drunk or anyone sober.” They do. My job is to be God’s helper, not God. There are many great coaches and counselors that just keep doing their job and not rate the negative behaviors. Help fix them. Thus in changing this life trap for your clients, stop allowing people to treat your clients badly. Teach them to be assertive and stick up for themselves as needed. Also, help them to accept love from people close to them. Get them to list the men/women who have attracted them most and the ones who have attracted them least. List signs that your clients may be coping with their defectiveness through escape or counter-attacking (i.e. avoidance or compensating).

Thus in both coaching and counseling, do your job and give them everything you can. You won’t always win, nor will you always lose, but you will have the satisfaction that you did your job to the best of your ability. Your clients and kids are looking for leadership, especially in this society. As Fredonia State’s motto goes (my Alma Mater), “Let each become all they are capable of being,”

Mike Tramuta is a Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy counselor. He can be reached at 716-983-1592.