This will be the concluding article on abandonment, as stated in last month’s article. The origins of abandonment are people leaving you through death, divorce or separation. Many times people with this issue were over-protected as a child and never learned to deal with life’s difficulties on a rational basis. John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist, talks about three levels of separation such as anxiety, despair and detachment. It’s universal.

In the cycle of abandonment, anxiety, grief and anger, people with intense separation issues from childhood connect directly to other people – this is one of their gifts – but they cannot tolerate being alone. When dating or in a partnership, partners are unable to commit to a long-term commitment because he/she is married or in another relationship.

Another partner isn’t consistently available for you because he/she travels, lives far away or is a workaholic. Another partner is emotionally unstable, he/she drinks too much, uses drugs. is depressed, cannot hold onto a regular job and cannot be there for you emotionally.

Another partner is “Peter Pan,” who insists on his/her freedom to come and go, doesn’t want to settle down, or wants freedom to have more than one lover. Another partner practices ambivalence about you – he/she wants you but holds back emotionally, or one moment acts deeply in love with you and the next moment acts as though you don’t exist.

These are all danger signs in potential partners. If the person with abandonment and separation issues takes a shot at one of these persons above, because he/she doesn’t want to be alone, disaster waits.

To settle for someone in any relationship that doesn’t treat you with respect and love, is not the relationship you want. In terms of abuse, especially to women, I’ve told many of the women I worked with to “run” and many did, and as the book states, reinvented their lives. There are a ton of issues with relationships anyway today. The divorce rate is at least 60%, so relationships are difficult today to begin with.

When trying to manage and change abandonment, try to understand your childhood abandonment. Monitor your feeling of abandonment and try to identify your hypersensitivity to losing close people, and your desperate fears of being alone, with the need to cling to people. Review past relationships and clarify the patterns that were stable, even though you may have sabotaged them. The next issue is to avoid uncommitted, unstable, or ambivalent partners, even though they generate high chemistry. Finally, when you find a partner who is stable and committed, trust him/her and believe that they will be there forever and will not leave.

Start a little at a time. Spend time alone. Make it special. Do things you enjoy. If you do it often enough, you can pass through the fears into a space of peace. I’m not just giving you advice, but I’m living it. After 50 years and the love of my life, I’m trying to regroup and go on. It’s tough but not impossible.

The majority of thought I’ve passed on to you over the years, I’ve either lived through, worked with those who had issues, or studied the issues in chemical dependency that prevent people from self-actualizing and getting sober.

Last month, we were writing about grief in animals and I shared with you about Milo, my cat and friend, that was grieving the loss of my wife, Karen, and someone who loved him dearly. The person that told me I was one fry short of a Happy Meal never counted on 10 people that called me about their pets that went through the same behaviors that Milo has.

Feelings are feelings, and if you have become close with animals, that’s all I’m going to say. You 10 people have gone to another level, and I’m sure there are more. I believe that God puts a lot of love in our hearts for everyone, humans or animals. Thanks to the 10 people who shared your experiences with me.

Mike Tramuta is a Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy counselor, can be reached at 716-983-1592.